Nonsensical Strangling & Roadtripping Organs

One Friday (the night of the first rain after the fires) my friends went dancing and I did not. I walked home from the bar, well to my car that was at Tianna’s. As I waited to cross the street a car with an intercom outside of it hollered “white pants, excuse me, white pants!” and I looked around before realizing I had on white pants. It felt kind of embarrassing actually. I looked in front of me and this car that had been granted a voice said “immediate baddie!” and cheered as it drove by me. I do not like having a spotlight on me, but, ultimately, it was silly. Although, I thought how the whole thing would have been alarming if the voice sounded like anything other than sweet girl voices.

*TW below (ref of strangling)*

In a dream this week I am sitting alone at a table eating or reading, or something like that. There is a man a little older than me sitting to my left. He starts talking to me and I am not interested in talking to him. I brush him off, being very clear that he should stop. He leans in to hug me and soon all of his upper limbs are wrapped around my body and my chest and his hands appear around my neck. I can breathe but not move. As I am trying to escape, and find that I cannot, I see that there is now a man I know sitting across from me. He does nothing. I am not mad at him but I am confused why he is not protecting me, or even helping. I wonder why he is not doing anything other than just sitting and looking which is all that he was doing. Everyone and everything is moving so slowly except for my heartbeat which has increased with my lack of oxygen and increase of stress due to my current situation. In my dream I am strangled publicly by an eager man while a man I know and love watches me, frozen without even fear.

*TW end*

Heartbreak followed by the flu I suppose is only natural. I woke up multiple nights in a row feeling as if I had wet the bed. I had drenched my sheets with my sweat which did not match the haphazard instinct to cover my body in more blankets. Each night I found I was not uncomfortable being feverish. It was a weirdly satisfying feeling for me and it almost felt nice to feel great cold and great heat both inside of me.

I long for my mother often and instead of just feeling gratitude and love to have a mother that I long for, I feel punched in the belly as if my guts are trailing across middle America through all the places I have ever driven to get home. My intestines unraveled are 2,477 miles long with one severe weather alert instead of the average 9-16 feet. I picture this intestine, that is definitely mine, trailing across grass and rough asphalt and dusty roads and lush farmland all the way home. I imagine it looking an awful lot like the pink skein of yarn my sister and I finger-knitted the entirety of as children, running it around the downstairs of my childhood home to see how many times it could lap around the corner of each room.

Honestly, so much of my 20s has been just destroying what I know to be true in hopes of being more true to myself. I am riding on the self love born from the summer I was 17. That isn’t how it works but it is how it has worked.

Lately, on the days I feel peace (which mostly just means I am ovulating) I wonder “what has gotten into me for today I feel peace? Thank you God” And when I say God I do not mean like GOD, I mean like the concept of a God because god forbid I thank myself for MY state of being and not blame my peace on something outside of my own flesh and bones.